US author, humorist, poet, & wit.




"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

"The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism."

"I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true."

"Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion"

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."

"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."

"Tell him I was too fucking busy - or vice versa."

"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."