"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I am at two with nature."
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."
"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?"
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
"God is dead, Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don’t feel so good either.''
"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.''